Learning to Define Love: A Path to Healing from Complex Trauma
When you've experienced complex trauma from your own parents, the concept of "love" can be incredibly distorted. The very people who were supposed to show you unconditional care instead taught you a different kind of lesson. This can leave you questioning what true, healthy love even looks like. For a long time, I've grappled with this uncertainty, but I’m now beginning to understand.
Real love, I'm learning, is about seeing, valuing, and caring for another person's well-being. It's about being a compassionate presence through life’s ups and downs, celebrating their joys, and supporting them through their struggles. It’s about understanding their behavior with empathy and helping them build their self-worth. When someone experiences this kind of love, they begin to internalize that same care, eventually learning to treat themselves with the same compassion. This is the kind of love that can provide a safe, healing space—a sanctuary from past wounds.
However, a painful reality is that those who need this healing love the most often have the hardest time finding it. The foundational skills we develop in our earliest relationships shape how we understand and navigate all future connections. This makes the search for true love even more challenging because not only do we not know what it is, but we may also lack the skills and opportunities to access it.
A Breakthrough Moment
Today, I had a significant breakthrough. A person in my life—someone who I hoped would be a source of love and support—said something deeply invalidating and cruel. It wasn't just a lack of support; it was an active attempt to diminish my efforts and my worth. In the past, my reflex would have been to fight back, to try and convince them they were wrong.
But this time, something was different. I saw their cruelty for what it was. I realized that their words were not a reflection of me but of their own inability to be supportive. For one of the first times, I understood that I didn't need to argue or prove myself. I knew my truth. In that moment, the powerful need to be seen and validated by them melted away. I realized I don't have to share my space with someone who treats me this way. I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
Moving Forward with Self-Compassion
This shift in perspective is a huge step. It feels different to see myself more objectively and to recognize when someone is treating me unfairly. I believe this is one of those skills people learn during healthy development—a skill that helps them choose and invest in relationships with those who truly love and support them.
Today, I saw a light of hope. I am moving toward loving and supporting myself. I am moving toward not sharing space with those who put me down. This is my path to healing, and it’s one I’m finally ready to walk.